Blog Is Not a Pretty Word

The Beautiful Fat People

2010-01-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

Do you tend to pig out a bit during the holidays? Maybe you favor the quadruple-stuffed Oreo over the plain ordinary ones. Well, if you are one of the "lucky" few who has the privilege of being featured on BeautifulPeople.com, you just might have gotten your waddling papers. The site which claims to feature only the most aesthetically gifted singles on the Internet makes no apologies for squeezing out the "fatties" who are harmful to their business model. Let me stop here for a minute. I have a friend who was recently told by some soulless corporate douchebag that his business was a "bad business model." If he had said that to me he would have gotten to "bad buis-" before I would have been standing over him, exhorting him to get up, like Muhammad Ali over Sonny Liston. If there is one thing that makes this blogger's blood boil it is when some snotnose whose mummy and daddy paid handsomely for him to get his MBA from University of Phoenix uses terms from that online business class in which he got a "B," terms which he really doesn't understand. My friend, far more of a gentleman than I, patiently explained how he has been quite successful doing what he does for a long time, then enlightened this nimrod about that little thing called the economy, which has been in a toilet spiral for the last few years. Unless your business model is magically making money appear from people's noses, you're going to have a little fall off these days.

What may seem to be a digression actually leads to this simple fact. Running off some of your stable just because there's "more of them to love," then issuing a smug confirmation of this fact is not only bad business, it's business suicide. We all know and love someone who is carrying a few extra LB's. Some of the most important people in my life would be considered to be generously proportioned. Why, some of my readers may be considered "zaftig" in some circles. Robert Hintze, the founder of BeautifulPeople.com, makes no apologies for running off the recently super-sized folks who wasted their precious time joining this less-than-important website. We were all young and thin and good-looking once. Some of us still are. But I have never met a person who was a bad person because he or she was a little Rubenesque. I have, however, met people who were Brad Pitts on the outside and armpits on the inside! Incidentally, how many of you actually look like the photo you put on that dating site?

Fat people make this country go. They drive the buses, like Ralph Kramden. They dine in our restaurants, like Wimpy. They crush quarterbacks, like Albert Haynesworth. They are rabid consumers of every product, an ideal demographic. How do you think they got fat in the first place? All kidding aside, most of us will fight, and lose, the Battle of the Bulge. From the looks at the cheek flesh on his well-fed face, Mr. BeautifulPeople himself may likely find himself someday using a bicycle mirror to read a scale. Hopefully someone in his merry band of pleasant-looking nitwits will remind him that, as said in Proverbs, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting."

It's time for Robert Hintze to do some damage control. Go into a Golden Corral. Hug the first chubby person you see. Realize before it's too late that the last thing we need less of is compassion. Bring back the big beautiful people. They need the Internet to find love too.

Gimme Back My Bullets!

2010-01-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

In the intense world of athletic team competition, squabbles among teammates are nothing new. NFL Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin, while at University of Miami, had a vicious brawl with linebacker George Mira, Jr. Some of you are old enough to remember Dallas Cowboys QB Roger Staubach getting coldcocked by backup QB Clint "The Mad Bomber" Longley. Longley, after filling in and playing the game of his life, thought he deserved to be more than the clipboard carrier he ultimately should have remained. The two had fought once before, with Staubach getting the better of Longley. Slugging your team's Hall of Fame QB is not a real swift career move. The Cowboys summarily sent Longley to San Diego and to oblivion.

Well, move over Montagues and Capulets, those minor dustups have nothing on the Washington Wizrds' Gilbert Arenas - Javaris Crittenton feud. These two took the teammate pissing contest to a whole 'nother level, actually drawing down on each other! On Christmas Eve, no less! What's next? Napalm in the shower? A little C-4 in the toothpaste? Why, an errant pass could earn you some anthrax in your talcum powder! Gone are the days of cutting up a guy's suit to get his attention. If a guy is throwing a few too many bricks, you could arrange for a drive-by, with the equipment manager rising up out of a laundry bin blasting away. I suppose at this point it would behoove me to mention that this team used to be called the Washington (formerly Baltimore) Bullets. The team name was changed because it was believed the name glorified gun violence. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy! I say we go back to calling them the Bullets from now on! These two knuckleheads have changed the art of the locker-room beef forever. Don't like the way that fullback blocked on that sweep? Blast the varmint wide open! Reliever blew an easy save? Give him two in the hat. All the hallowed motivation and attitude adjustment techniques of the past are out the window. The prospect of your teammate busting a cap in yo' ass will likely keep you from addressing his shortcomings.

In all fairness, Arenas and Crittenton's beef was allegedly over a gambling debt. I hope this story was blown way out of proportion and they were actually shooting spitballs at each other through straws. Now we've all said, at one time or another, "I bet you a million dollars that..." These guys can actually say it and mean it. I don't know how much money Crittenton makes; Arenas, one of the league's elite, is in the second season of a 6-year, $111 million contract. The Washington Bullets are not a very good basketball team right about now. They are in the crapper and not getting better any time soon. They are a woeful 27th in the league power rankings. Arenas and Crittenton et. al. should confine their shooting to the court. Arenas has been known around the league as a born practical joker, a funny guy. Gilbert, stick to wedgies and itching powder next time you want a laugh. Or do like I do; read "Marmaduke" in your daily paper. Guns, as a rule, are not funny, except for the ones that have flags coming out of them.

Over 30,000 human souls are lost to us each year in the US due to gun violence. There's nothing funny about that.

This is a Ho-Ho-Holdup!

2009-12-25T15:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas all-

You know times are tough out there when Santa Claus has to resort to bank robbery! The Sun Trust Bank on Old Hickory Boulevard in Nashville was knocked over by a 9mm-toting white-bearded gent wearing the requisite red suit and hat. Before they were able to say "jingle bells" this bad Santa rolled up on the teller window, threatening that if they put dye packs in the sack he would "come back and kill everyone." Why, he wasn't nearly as jolly as advertised. No wonder those elves produce toys at the North Pole with such great speed and efficiency; no one wants to piss off ol' St. Nick! He escaped in a grey Nissan Altima, possibly pulled by eight flying reindeer. He remains at large, though witnesses have sighted him at shopping malls and in front of supermarkets, ringing bells, hiding in plain sight.

Note to Nashville PD: If you can lay out for a trip to the North Pole, this may be the best time to nab Santa at his own crib. After the night he's probably had, he's probably gonna sleep for a week! But be careful- he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake.

If you like creepy, skeevy Santas like some of those you've seen at various malls all over the country, then sketchysantas.com is the site for you.

What did I miss?

2009-12-22T18:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog Is Not A Pretty Word Subscribers-

It has been a year and 5 months since my last "confession." I can't believe I haven't been moved to write about anything in that amount of time. To that end I'm freeing my blog from the glacier it's been in.

Hey Blog- first of all, a lot has gone down since you went into the witless protection program. We've elected our first African-American President. Childhood was celebrated with freak shows like Jon and Kate plus 8 and the Octomom. I would explain what those terms mean but at this point, who the Hell cares? Are you sitting down? Remember the Arizona Cardinals? They are the reigning NFC Champs, who came within 2:35 of winning the Super Bowl. That's right, the same Arizona Cardinals who always sucked so mightily all those years. Oh, and the Detroit Lions have won a couple games since you went underground. You missed their epic 0-16 season. Never before has losing been done so artfully.

Remember how tough it was to find Michael Jackson tickets? Well, as of June 25 this year, his tickets became impossible to get. He and his end-stage nose have joined the Heavenly Choir. But don't worry, you can keep up on what Tito, Marlon and Rebbie are doing by watching the Jacksons reality show on A & E. Not quite the same as the guy who gave 1500 Filipino prisoners something fun to do in the exercise yard.

You'll be glad I talked you out of investing the family hundreds with that nice Mr. Madoff. As it turns out, he's one of the Five People You'll Meet in Hell.

And speaking of screwing people, I know how you have enjoyed watching Tiger Woods demolish the competition. Well, he's doing a different thing for a while, largely because of what he was doing while he wasn't swinging the sticks.

Welcome back. Consider this my Act of Contrition.

He's Got a Great First Name, I'll Give Him That...

2008-07-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Props to Tony Gonzalez for being in the right place at the right time to save a man on a dinner date from choking to death in a restaurant. I wish there were more stories like this one and less like the ones we usually see connected to NFL players. And props to the guy he saved for not finding some made-up reason to try to sue Tony.

I like Number 88 as a player, and obviously he's not a bad citizen, either. I'm sure he'll have that all-time receiving yards for Tight Ends in his pocket by the 3rd quarter of his first game in '08. And who's gonna take it from him? Shockey? Don't make me laugh. Antonio Gates? Maybe. Kellen Winslow, Jr? Fuhgeddaboudit! I also like his team's coach, Herman Edwards, whom I remember fondly as a player. The Miracle of the Meadowlands just shows you it ain't over 'til it's over.

Good luck to the Chiefs this season. Except when you play the Patriots...

Bernanke Puts It All Together...

2008-07-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, for finally figuring out that the housing/mortgage crisis that has ruined so many lives is possibly the fault of the dirtball mortgage companies and their questionable array of products designed to put even the steadiest middle class homebuyer's finances into the crapper. Wow, that was a long sentence.

It seems that, since the beginning of this crisis, the borrowers have absorbed the lion's share of the blame, being all shiftless and irresponsible, causing the downfall of these nice, caring loan companies who just want to help people realize the Great American Dream of being house-poor. If those lazy borrowers would just stop losing their jobs and refinance those ARM's in time, everything would have been OK, Old Yeller wouldn't have had to be put down and Jon Benet Ramsey would be Miss Colorado by now.

But the Fed has finally come to the realization that the lenders might not be the shining white knights they have pretended to be. Rather, they have been preying on the desperate to increase their numbers and move product. I'm just a little old artist, Mr. Bernanke, but even I know that a family with a $40,000/ year income can't possibly pay off a $300,000 loan, especially an ARM. It's like the heroin dealer pulling in the addict. It's downright cheap at first, then next thing you're auctioning your baby on a street corner to pay for it.

These lenders have been the first to cry poverty, and the first to get any relief from a Bush-league White House. But that's the typical Republican-tinged response; help the companies, screw and blame the individuals. The greed of the lenders, realtors and speculators got us into this mess, just as it did back in the late 80's/early 90's. There was a Bush in the White Hose then, too. Coincidence or not?....

Bad Newz for Mike Vick

2008-07-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Just saw that the best running quarterback in prison, Michael Vick, has filed for bankruptcy protection. The Don King of dogfighting apparently owes creditors somewhere in the neighborhood of $10 - 50 million dollars. That's some neighborhood, Michael. Most people, especially in cities out West, would say they live near an intersection, such as "Scottsdale Road and Shea."In Vick speak, that would be like saying you live near Nebraska and Iowa.

Now I know that in the Big House, guys have matters a bit more pressing than balancing their checkbooks. What with cons wanting you to join their "professional groups" and having to shower with your back to the wall, the contents of a bank account would seem like small stuff. I even cop to having trouble keeping mine straight, and I'm just a prisoner of my own celebrity. But I have never had to guesstimate my debt within $40 mil. Check with your friends and family members, Mike. I think someone is writing checks and charging things to your account that they shouldn't. You'd better stay in shape for football, because the good newz is, when you get out, someone will offer you between $10 and 50 million to play football again. And if you get that chance again, PLEASE don't screw it up. Based on Marcus's act, you still stand a chance of being the son of whom Mama Vick can be proudest.

Heigl!

2008-07-05T16:51:00.001-07:00

I would pay big, big money just to hear Jerry Lewis say "Katherine Heigl!"

Here's a picture of her, because, well, why the hell not? And I suspect if we were confronted with this image of her, we would all talk like Jerry Lewis.

Another Theory As To Hitler's Last Moments in That Bunker

2008-07-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

(click on the title to see the actual, non-funny story)

How did they not see it coming...

As though Madame Tussaud's, that enduring monument to all things wax and creepy, would open in Berlin and not have a display featuring Schickelgruber himself! By the way, Hitler and the Holocaust are not real proud moments in Germany's history. They have laws prohibiting the display of Nazi regalia and other things Hitler, including that silly moustache. So they're trying to put that ugliness behind them. Besides they have so much more to be proud of: they also brought us Beck's Beer and Werner "Colonel Klink" Klemperer. Well, it took all of about a few minutes from when the door was open to the "museum" for a 41 year-old man to push his way past two security guards (made of wax, possibly?) and attack Der Füehrer, taking off his head in the process. The man was quickly subdued by non-wax police.

2008-06-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

We're Here, We're Queer and We're Registered at Nordstrom!

In light of the recent legislation permitting gay marriage in California (aren't you surprised they didn't already have gay marriage?) an old fraternity brother friend of mine mentioned a possible increase in nuptial gigs for the Village People. I'm sure more straight people would probably rather have them at their weddings. Congrats to the new married gay couples in CA. Now you'll know the pleasure of being legally bound to someone who will ask you what you're doing in the bathroom for so long, will nag you about getting in shape (yet will mope about you having to leave to go to the gym), and who will give you crap about not having the sack to march into your boss's office and ask for a raise. Have fun with that.

Speaking of the Village People:

I imagine the Indian guy in the Village People is wearing a Depends loincloth, the Cowboy probably wears support chaps, the Army and Navy guys were long since booted out of the Armed Forces (we didn't ask, and they didn't have to tell), the Construction Worker keeps his false teeth and pills in his tool belt, The Biker probably rides for blocks with his right blinker on and the Cop can't get his baton up.

Mazeltov, all you crazy couples! Now you'll know the pleasure of being with someone you will never be good enough for!

Top Of The World, MA!

2008-06-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the World Champion Boston Celtics. What a run the Boston area is having sportswise! The Red Sox are Baseball champs, and the Pats nearly won the Super Bowl to cap what would have been a perfect season (and would have sent those 1972 Miami Dolphins looking for the nearest shower rod). The Boston College Eagles had great football and basketball seasons, and the BC Hockey team is the reigning college hockey champ. And now the Celtics have returned to prominence by becoming NBA champs for the 17th time! And they did it in such stylish fashion, with an old-fashioned back-alley ass kicking of the El Lay Lakers. I haven't seen someone become someone's bitch this bad since they put Tobias Beecher in with Vernon Schillinger in Oz. Congrats to Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge ( I always hated him as a player) and Brian Scalabrine, the team white guy. And PLEASE, never, NEVER put a microphone in front of Kevin Garnett again. I went running for my shtreet to English dictionary during his expletive-laden joyous diatribe. And you guys know you're on TV, so stop all the swearing. I grew up as street as most of you and I have never spoken like that in general population (unless I smashed my finger with a hammer), so don't try to say that's the way people from the ghetto talk.

Congratulations Boston, on your sporting successes. I'd move back to Beantown and leave again if it will help the cause. Enjoy your parade. I know you're going to get your drunk on, but leave the rioting to Detroit. And LA.

Can't we all just get along?

Doo Wah Diddy Daddy Dum Puffy Doo

2008-06-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Grab your comically flat-brimmed baseball caps, ladies and germs! Puff Daddy is back! Sean "Puffy" Combs has decided to go back to that oh-so-seven years ago moniker that helped launch him to fame. The artist formerly known as Diddy has apparently made a guest appearance on his MySpace to announce the return of the original PD.

Let's see... He's gone from being Sean "Puffy" Combs to Puff Daddy to P. Diddy to Diddy back to Puff Daddy. I thought for sure he could have wrung a few more cool hip-hop names out of his previous incarnations. I had money on him changing his name to Piddy, waiting for that double bill of Piddy and Fiddy. Maybe Puddy. High Five! What about Paddy? Or Duffy? He could be huge in Ireland! What about Dick Cheney? How about Daffy? I don't think the duck is using that one anymore! What about Stiffy? Never mind...

Dude, stop changing your name. Just ask Prince, or should I call him "That Weird Phallic Zodiac Symbol He Used to Want to Be Referred to As? It makes things real confusing at the bank, a place where I'm sure, they all know his name.

What does a brother have to do to get impeached up in here?

2008-06-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that the Bush administration may have fudged the facts a weeeee bit in regards to Iraq's role in the war on terrorism. The Senate Intelligence Committee (I've never seen those words used together in the same sentence) has just figured this out. Incredible that it took these qualified geniuses this long to figure out what most of us have known all along. Dubya has used the Sept. 11 incident as an excuse to exercise a personal vendetta, and he misappropriated Government funds to do it. And they say that what Bill Clinton is accused of doing is an impeachable offense!

He essentially had the US Armed Forces do a contract hit. I hope he doesn't refer to the soldiers who have died or been injured, or the innocent citizens of Iraq as witnesses who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now it's no secret this country is run like La Cosa Nostra. Congressmen pass laws for companies who can pay them (through lobbyists) to do it. Bills are written, with provisions for this senator or that congressman. Votes being bought by the drug & gun lobbies. How is this different from some Mafioso putting the arm on a legitimate businessman? God forbid if one of us puts a note in someone's mailbox. We could be brought up on charges! But using the country's military might and misspending billions of dollars to settle the hash of a guy who dissed your daddy would buy any of us some time in the Stony Lonesome if we weren't the Chief Executive and his capos regime.

This country is basically run on what we would call, in organized crime circles, protection. The insurance companies charge us outrageous amounts of money "just in case something happens." They get pukingly rich, then turn away customers like those of Hurricane Katrina when they need that "protection" they've been paying for. Family medical coverage is out of reach for many. This country is on its way to being the Chinese & the EU's bitch, and it has happened on the watch of who has to be the WORST President ever.

Gas has DOUBLED in the last 2 1/2 years! This mamaluc's solution is to get behind alternative sources like Ethanol (which he or his rich golf buddies would have to be making money off).

I'm going to solve all our problems for you, Mr. President.

1 - Have the balls to admit you screwed up in Iraq, and bring the soldiers home to a hero's welcome. Pay for those young men and women to go to college and get homes, and the psychiatric help they will most certainly need. The factions that hate us so much would have reason to back the hell off. If you really want to get Bin Laden, send Whitey Bulger after his ass. That's one guy who could make that little problem go away.

2 - You like giving tax incentives to your rich buddies? Give them to the ones who at least try to do their businesses here in the good old USA, rather than the ones who outsource their crap to India, etc. Make it somewhat profitable for them. If you need a cheap place to make all of your "Made in America" crap, do it in Mexico. There is a HUGE work force of eager, honest people, who would LOVE to have those jobs and the training. People talk about the legendary corruption in Mexico's Government; frankly, they scare me a whole lot less than China.

By the way, it would go a long way toward helping the illegal immigration issue as well, and give la gente something else to do other than being peons and drug mules, and a legitimate economy.

3. You've bent over and allowed gas to cost us over $4.00 a gallon. Now do something constructive. Give your rich CEO buddies tax incentives for allowing their employees, where able, to work from home. Incentives. That's a language they understand. Not only would employees feel more empowered, the businesses' overhead would be lower, there'd be less pissed-off people on the road ready to shoot each other. The employees would have more moolah in their pockets instead of their tanks, so they'd be happy; the economy would get such a stimulation from folks having more disposable bank that it would need a cigarette after a while. If you're going to encourage alternative methods of energy, encourage wind and solar, encourage and assist farmers to grow and sell product, rather than paying them not to grow stuff.

4. Figure out a way to get medical care for EVERYONE! Put your best experts on that, instead of figuring out how to use executive privilege to tap people's phones.

5. Come correct and admit we are in a DEPRESSION! You've let banks and credit card companies bone us until we can't sit down. Now do something for the foreclosed-on. The economic stimulus was a step in the right direction. A barely perceptible step. A slight hand movement, really. Stop blaming the victims. Blame your CEO buddies, whose pockets bulge with money while their companies hemorrhage it.

There's more, but I'm afraid of getting carpal tunnel, and not having enough health coverage to deal with it.

Wanted: Space Plumbers

2008-05-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080527/ap_on_sc/space_toilet

Clogged toilets in zero gravity... just TRY to get that out of your mind! Burrito night has been RUINED!

It will be a little tough to pull that sucker over to go by the side of the road.

Now I don't know about you, but who builds an International space station and doesn't at least put in 1 1/2 baths?

Thanks for Nothing, Zeke Mowatt!

2008-05-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

As far as I'm concerned, the Boston Herald and their unique brand of "reporting" cost the Patriots their perfect season! I'm sure the portion of Belichick's evil mind that would have dealt with Justin Tuck was the same portion that was pissed off at the Herald costing him all that money. The people of Boston should put down their crullers and their Dunkin Donuts Regular Coffees and storm the Herald's offices with pitchforks and torches!

Maybe this whole thing was a getback for the Lisa Olson incident!

Did Bobby Jindal Make the Smores?

2008-05-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

This Memorial Day weekend, John McCain invited a bunch of his Republican bootlickers to his "Ranch in Sedona" (actually his pretend ranch in Cornville, but that doesn't sound as sexy or rich as Sedona). One can only wonder how much fun he and the girls had, braiding each other's hair, watching music videos, painting each other's nails. Do you think Mitt Romney regaled them with a version of "Freddy My Love" from "Grease?"

Meg Whitman, the eBay hosebag, was one of the guests. One can only wonder, did she do like a proper Republican woman and stay in the kitchen, out of McCain's man-cave? Actually she's a Vice Presidential possible. It all makes sense. My wife is a big fan of "Ellen." When Ellen DeGeneres had McCain on her show, he mentioned (with a straight face) how eBay is an example of a successful company, how people are making millions with it. Now I don't know about you, but I don't want a President who is going to tell me things my email junk filter won't even let me read! And did Bobby Jindal start hitting on her once he got the beer goggles on?

I can't wait for the feces to finally hit the rotary cooling device with this guy... from his doddering appearance on Saturday Night Live (is there a more tired show than SNL? An appearance on that means absolutely nothing anymore. Hell, half of New York has been in the cast!) to his shady land deals, a McCain Presidency would be a disaster... we'd be longing for the good old days when Dubya would mangle the Constitution and the act of public speaking at the same time. Much like the people of Iraq longing for the good old days when Saddam would hook their genitals up to a car battery and they'd all have a good laugh afterwards.

Don't wrap fish in the Herald - it will spoil the fish!

2008-05-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe now Arlen Specter can concentrate on what he does best, being a smug, pompous blowhard, now that he has fixed all that was wrong with sports.

The Pats didn't videotape the Rams' offensive walkthroughs, as it turned out.

So the Boston Herald got the story wrong and had to apologize for their reporting of what had to be the non-story of the year.

And with all due respect, videotaping the Rams' offense during their walkthroughs would be akin to getting marriage advice from Gary Coleman. I find the whole thing about videotaping the Jets' defense also extremely suspect. Like asking Jerry Lewis to give you lessons in the art of subtle comedy.

Now if they could only apologize for being such a crappy paper, the Fox News of print journalism. The public is waiting, Rupert Murdoch. You are to journalism what Olive Oyl is to sexy, curvy women.

Mazeltov, you crazy kids!

2008-05-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

So our eedjit President got Jenna married off this weekend. Congratulations. Perhaps I should get her and her hubby Henry (I wonder what his rich preppy nickname is. Biff? tad? Skip?) a gift. Maybe I should get it with the proceeds of my Economic Stimulus check, when it comes. Maybe a blender? Oven mitts? A Chia-Head? A membership in the cheese-of-the-month club? Buying a gift seems so tacky. Besides, spending foolishly like that, that is just what Daddy Dubya WANTS me to do. Nope. I'm gonna use that check to pay off bills (the other gift from G-Dub, the one that keeps on giving). Sorry, economy. I just don't feel like stimulating you today. You're going to have to reach into that drawer by the nightstand and stimulate yourself tonight.

Maybe I'll make her a nice picture. Maybe it will be a painting of me being told that I no longer have a job. Perhaps a lovely drawing of a home with some lovely trees and for sale signs. Maybe a lovely gas station painting, with $4.00 gas signs (another gift of our wonderful President! That is one generous guy!).

Screw it. I will just re-gift her.

Maybe if you get those birds out of the way...

2008-05-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

Imagine my disappointment...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm

Needless to say, I was expecting something different.

Shiny Happy Conservatives

2008-05-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

The Pew foundation has released an exhaustive research study (I heard they actually had to put seven researchers down) which has determined that Conservatives are happier than Liberals.

It seems the Conservatives are happier, regardless of their economic or religious status, because they are able to rationalize life's inequalities easier than liberals, who apparently tend to brood about the unfairness of it all. I must confess, I find myself doing this all the time. A conservative is more likely to say "This country would be better off if we worried less about how equal people are" than a liberal. Of course they might also say "I don't see what the fuss is about people not having enough to eat. I've got plenty of food!" Or, "those people who want universal health care just don't understand! I prefer a system in which family coverage costs $900 a month ( and they always bring up how they don't want their tax dollars paying for this and that)." Or, "if those people want to avoid having their home foreclosed on, they should pay their mortgage."

In short, get a grip, Liberals. Not getting it is crucial to all of our survival.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080507/sc_livescience/conservativeshappierthanliberals;_ylt=AjoA7Ko_1IyrZHk9cszy2o2s0NUE

Why you should never say "just write in whatever amount you think is fair"

2008-05-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, some slack jawed Cletus tried to cash a $360 billion check in Fort Worth, TX, and got popped for it. Charles Ray Fuller's girlfriend's Mom gave him a check "to start a record business." He must be a little unfamiliar with the cost of most startups. If he was starting another United States, he would be in good shape. But he probably only needed about $100 billion to start his version of Death Row records. Even with that paltry amount he could still "make it rain" every day for a few decades.

Along with forgery (girlfriend's Mom actually did not give him permission to use her account), Mr. Fuller was also arrested for having a small handgun and 2 ounces of the hippie lettuce on his person. I'm guessing he had 3 ounces before he went to the bank. They brought him down to the station and they all had a good laugh during the body cavity search.

Besides, he would have had to wait for his girl's Mom's $400 billion check to clear first.

Where's Ronaldo? or, Gender-bend It Unlike Beckham

2008-05-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

He's in hiding, in a little bit of trouble for consorting with prostitutes (not illegal in Brazil). It seems the 2-time World Cup winner got a little surprise when he took a couple working girls to a motel (call girls go to hotels, hookers go to motels, apparently). When he found out these two ladies had a little something extra under the hood, he had second thoughts about becoming intimate with them. They naturally got upset, vandalized his car and went down to the streets to shout that “the Phenomenon didn’t want to pay.” He tried to settle with the male females for $600, but they decided they'd rather have $30,000 to keep it out of the papers. They're trying to maximize their earnings, having seen an opportunity. It's capitalism at its finest. That's just like what the oil and gas industry does to us on a daily basis, just without the promise of freaky trannie sex.

Needless to say, Ronaldo didn't put it in the net that night.

There's something about knee surgery that clouds athletes' judgement. Just ask Kobe Bryant. Ronaldo is recovering from knee surgery and will continue to rehab at home. Where he probably should have stayed instead of being out trying to get his shwerve on.

Oh, and Illegals are the Biggest Problem Facing the Country

2008-04-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

This sent by my good friend and fraternity brother Erich Coelho of Merced, California (do you still live in Merced, Erich?).

I couldn't agree more!

TO BE A REPUBLICAN, YOU NEED TO BELIEVE:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for y our recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

Urban Sculpture or Blight? You Decide...

2008-04-30T14:40:00.001-07:00

http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=184786

This article was sent to me by my good friend Michael Earls, of the illustrious Earls brothers of Murdock St. in Brighton, MA, formerly also of the Boston band scene. Most anyone who knows me knows my soft spot for old signage and business graphics. My paintings on deluzart.com depict many of these bygone and soon-to-be bygone icons of a different era.

Sometimes things just have to go. But I think a lot of these signs are works of art of the type we won't soon see again. Besides being neighborhood landmarks they certainly qualify as public art. In fact they're more interesting than most of the crap that gets funded as public art. That Dunkin' Donuts sign was freaking awesome. It reminds me of the one they used to have by Blue Hill Ave. and Talbot St. from my childhood. I remember getting a dozen donuts for a dollar (that's how old I am!) and walking them up to Vesta Road where I lived.

And I think they need to stay in their place, not moved to some senseless, disjointed exercise in lameness like Neonopolis in Las Vegas. To me, seeing those old bygone signs for casinos and motels past displayed like heads on pikes on the edges of some conquered village is shameful.

Start the crusade for old signage as street sculpture! Don't turn our urban landscape into a bland puddle of corporate sameness.

Paid for by the Tony De Luz for Art Lobbyist Organization.

What'choo Talkin' About, Shannon?

2008-04-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080425/ap_on_en_tv/people_gary_coleman

I never saw this coming...

I feel bad for Gary Coleman. He's like one of those Shetland ponies you see at kids' parties, the ones that inevitably bite some kid the first chance they get.

To quote Buzz Lightyear, "you are a sad, strange little man... and you have my pity."

Who Doesn't Like A Fast Woman?

2008-04-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Danica Patrick just won her first race, hopefully her first of many. Congratulations Danica. You're an inspiration to that pushy woman driver that tailgates my ass going 85 mph on I-17 every time I drive that road.

Besides, could Helio Castroneves pull off this outfit? I don't think so.

White Men Can't Jump; Wesley Can't Pay Taxes

2008-04-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

I doubt there are many who don't agree that taxes suck. And if it takes them a long time to send you your refund, shouldn't they pay penalties on it to you? Just kidding, government... you and I have always been pals, right?
Wesley, I don't know if you're out there, but, dude, pay your taxes. 3 years on the Stony Lonesome probably wasn't worth it. Besides, the world needs Demolition Man 2.

What Would Wilson Do?

2008-04-18T21:57:00.001-07:00

All I have to say about this FLDS/Polygamy thing is, if they were black or Hispanic, the authorities would have gone Wilson Goode on their asses. Goode, you may remember, showed some bad judgement in 1985 in his handling of the MOVE cult. He gave the order to blast them into the Stone Age. The initial opinion toward his handling of the situation was very positive, quite different from David Koresh or the folks at Ruby Ridge or any of the other anti-government organizations. Later on it was suggested by some parties (most notably his Republican opponents) that maybe he should have handled it in a slightly less explosiony manner. I'm sure they would have had sit-ins, baked cookies and reasoned with John Africa, maybe gently persuading him that shouting depredations from megaphones and not allowing your trash to be picked up might be considered a tad unpopular. They would have all been singing kum-ba-yah and holding hands around a campfire. Probably not.

I think these plural wife-having zealots secretly had the envy of many of the authority figures,
who wish they could figure out how to keep all the gals for themselves, no matter how fat and bald they are, protecting those good white women from defilement in the real world. They probably wanted to just leave them alone, until the world stood up and took notice.

Personally, I don't see how they can do it. I have one wife, and sometimes that is too many!

Oh and that guy who keeps putting the anti-immigrant slander on his signs at the Casa D'Ick or whatever it's called es una pendejo grande.

Honey, Throw a Few More Twenties on the Fire

2008-04-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

So John McCain's taxable income, over the last two years, was disclosed to be $474,104.

The Democratic candidates, Barack Obama (along with his wife Michelle, $5.1 million) and Hillary Clinton (along with Bill, $35 million) also reported theirs. How do John and Cindy squeak by on his paltry earnings? Well, he also gets his Navy pension, which is untaxable (another $114,000). And John also collects Social Security (he is old enough, and it enables him to have a little pin money).

Cindy happens to make so much money that she could probably tell the Treasury what presidents to put on it. She pretty much has the beer distribution market sewn up in a state full of thirsty, golf-playing white guys with nice beer bellies, and where beer and alcohol consumption rank right up there with cleaning and owning guns as entitlements of the conservative class. She owns real estate and part of the Diamondbacks baseball team. Real estate is a little soft right now, so she may be hurting for bucks just a bit.

I hope the McCains can manage to squeak by. But Cindy should go ahead and release the info. Those smug, well-fed know-it-alls of the conservative media made Theresa Kerry release her info (before those swift boat rummies made up all that crap about John) ; it's only fair that Mrs. M does the same. I'm guessing there isn't enough room for all the zeroes on the conventional tax forms.

Certainly John has worked hard for his money and suffered for his Navy pension. But maybe he ought to kick the Social Security money back into the system his party soulmate, Dubya, has bumblasted for the last nearly eight years.

It borders on the nearly hysterical that McCain claims to be more in touch with the common people than the Democratic candidates. If he is, then God help us all.

The Dick Cheney Sunglasses Mystery

2008-04-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently there was a big hoo-ha about a reflection in Dick Cheney's sunglasses in a photo that was used on the Vice President's website, which I believe is called screwthemiddleclass.com. There was a lot of speculation over what was reflected. It looked like a naked lady, but I don't know if Republicans look at naked ladies ever. I thought it might have been a waterboarding victim. It turns out Ol' Deadeye Dick had his rod in his hands. Get your mind out of the gutter, Larry Craig - it was his fishing pole.

But I'd like to think he had something else reflected in those shades - that conservative cujo, Ann Coulter. I guess that would explain the rod in his hands... I guess...

High School Reunions and the People Who Love Them

2008-04-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

My 30th High School Reunion (Boston Latin School) is coming up. Don't know if I'll be going; I'd love to go back again, while I'm still reasonably young and good looking. Sorry ladies, I'm taken.

New Kids on the Block - Back Together, But Were They Ever Really Apart?

2008-04-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well, now this whole recycling thing has gone too far...

Admit it, we were all hoping for this, secretly.

I haven't been following this story too closely, but will they change their name to suit their state of maturity?

I have a few suggestions...

Old Kids With Their Blinkers On

New Guys in the Buffet Line

New Kids with Backaches

Balding Kids on the Park Bench

Old Men on the Blood Thinners

Wouldn't you rather New Edition came back? Now that would be cool...

Of course, the real question is... will they bring the old hair? And by the way, I think Donnie is the Bad one, who just needs a little love. Maybe he'll get some if he takes that beaver off his head.

Apparently it's Peanut Butter Jelly Time

2008-03-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1639351

How'd they get the dress on the gerbil?

2008-03-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

I am so glad Richard Gere's public kissing of Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty will no longer result in criminal charges. Now I can go back to worrying about global warming, the tribulations of Britney Spears and - oh, I can't kid any longer- Who gives a rat's ass?

You really cannot paint a nationality with one brush. I especially can't as I am about 8 nationalities. And pretty much every person I have ever met from India has just been the salt of the Earth. No nicer people will you ever meet. But when you call me on behalf of your American company could you please not tell me your name is Steve or Skip or Betty or Becky? And don't get pissed if I ask you to repeat what you just said 47 times. It just means I can't understand you because y'all don't talk English good. Actually most folks I have met from India have better command of the English language than most of us Americans, not just the redneck trailer-parkers who used to do all the telemarketing calls!

I'll make a deal with you. When I come to your country I won't talk louder if you don't understand me, I won't bemoan the lack of Red Lobsters or good pizza in India and above all I won't kiss any of your beautiful Bollywood actresses in public. Unless one kisses me first. Then it's on.

Jared's Magnificent Pants

2008-03-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Amounts of things that can fit in Jared's Pants:

Presidential candidates: 2

M&M's: 2,675,346

Baseballs: 965

Meatballs: 1834

Dr. Pepper: 53 gallons

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...

2008-03-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Dawn Wells, Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, was busted in Idaho for having some pot in her car the other day. Interestingly, Bob Denver was also popped for the hippie lettuce not long before he began his dirt nap. I'm sure Jim Backus may have enjoyed a nice fattie to get motivation to spoon Lovey. People involved with Gilligan's Island? Stoned? Now I know why they couldn't get off the island. They'd start off with a plan, toot some bud, then they forget what the hell they were doing. Skipper chases Gilligan, gets tangled up in the hammock and everyone eats coconut cookies. Mary Ann rides that bike that ran the radio and they have a grand old time, and the guest star leaves the island while the unfortunate seven are in their reefer-induced haze.

Could she look any sweeter in her mugshot? I'm surprised they didn't just let her go. She truly looks like a very nice lady. She would have to be; imagine all the jerks who must have made lewd remarks about what they would have done with her if they were on that island.

Spitzer's Career Is Down the Shitzer?

2008-03-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

What's going on with Spitzer? I know he made some rich Republican enemies in the Stock Market, and maybe, just maybe there's a setup in there, but couldn't he have kept little Eliot in his Dockers while he was Guv of the Great Empire State? I know it gets cold in Albany, and from the looks of his wife she probably didn't keep him very toasty, but couldn't he have just used Government hookers? Truthfully, I had no idea who the Governor of the "I-Got-Your-State-Right-Here State" even was until this. And I can't help but wonder if he gave Chanel, Cinnamon or Chocolate (if he swings that way) a "Spitzer Spritzer," if you know what I mean!

Once you look past the bullet holes, malocclusions and cellulite it's all the same in the dark, especially on a cold Albany night. Now his political career is totally boned. And since he was a past atty general, he's hoisted on his own petard. I just hope his petard had a condom on it.

On a side note, he looks an awful lot like Bill Cowher, eh? At least like his hooker-chasing, good-tipping brother.

On the Bright Side, Some More Art

2008-03-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

Here is another recent painting. I am not responsible for any convulsions or seizures it may cause.

Cheers,
T.

The Bitch Is Back

2008-03-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

It has been forever since I have updated this thing. My apologies... I will try to update more often. That said, I have time to post now, as I am currently "between jobs." A sucky place to be, it's true, especially with 4 kids. But I am freelancing and am confident that something good will happen.

Thank God we, according to our President, are not in a recession. Maybe I can get a job designing rose-colored glasses.

And maybe someone can tell me why, when companies lay people off, they get rid of the ones that are actually doing work and keep the seatwarmers whose basic function seems to be to kiss the boss' ass and are about as smart as your average pull toy?

I mean that in a good way....

On the bright side I have FINALLY updated my website, www.deluzart.com. Check it out if you're really bored for some mediocre art.

Cheers,

T.

You mean I'm supposed to post to this thing all the time?

2007-07-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting for 5 MONTHS!!!! I really don't have a good reason for my non-blogging, other than I haven't had anything clever to say. But 5 months!!! That's pretty much abandonment. I promise to add to this beloved blog more often and invite any of you in the community we call the Internet to chime in.

It's been unbelievably hot here in Arizona. Not just a little hot. But just straight-up freaking HOT!!! It was 115 degrees in the Valley most of the week, about 10-12 degrees cooler in Sedona. You know it's hot when the Border Patrol agents are chasing illegal aliens, and they're both walking!

Well, cool off with this cool piece of art, one of my latest paintings.

Until next time, good night and good news.

Tom Brady: Theater lover, shoe fanatic? Or, the reason the Patriots lost to the Colts

2007-02-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

This just in from my good friend Michael D. in Philly:

"Saturday night we took my Mom out on the town in Manhattan. Limo, swanky dinner, "The Producers" Broadway show, and late night singing show tunes at a Marie's Crisis Cafe in Greenwich Village (I kid you not, your should have seen Jay belting out "Oklahoma" and ""Edelweiss"). Three cheers for Collette, you only turn 80 once. She was still partying at 2:30 a.m. Sunday.

Little Mike and I were chatting up Clare Danes at the bar about her triumphant turn in Terminator 3. "Clare, you are aging well, these are my very annoying brothers." "So lame," she agreed "let me buy you a drink."

Meanwhile, Paul was chatting up a gay couple who had taken in Mary Poppins that evening on Broadway. As Paul droned on about the quality of the singing, the man detected a slight Boston accent. "You're from Boston, you know Tom Brady was sitting next to us at Mary Poppins... and he spent the entire time passionately kissing a woman." "That bastard," said Paul, "he blew the Indy game because he had booked Poppins tickets with the hot supermodel." "I don't know about that," Paul's new friend said, "but he had really nice shoes."'

Mike, please send more stuff. Don't start your own blog or anything. Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday Collette! I hear 80 is the new 39. Any truth to that?

Finally...

2007-01-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not posting for a while. I have long gotten over the Patriots' losing to the Colts. My wife is a Bears fan, and I like them as an NFC team. I don't think the NFC can play with the AFC's best right now.

Looks like Peyton and Coach Dungy will finally get their ring. But I would love to see the Bears pull it out. Maybe it will start a wave of people naming their kids Lovie. The last Lovie to get this much play was on a desert island with the Skipper and Gilligan.

Well, off to work with me now.

Here is another piece of my artwork.

And when it snows...

2007-01-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

...It looks like this. The photographers are already pulled over by the side of the road I'm sure. You can see the Chapel of the Holy Cross (designed by Frank Lloyd Wright) in the middle of the photo.

Go Pats!

Sedona gets some snow

2007-01-20T10:09:00.000-08:00

This is the view from our home.

As beautiful as this place is on a regular basis, it is still pretty when we get snow.

We don't get hit with it that often, but when we do, it is quite picturesque.

And cold.

Enjoy.

Another Couple Paintings

2007-01-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

Here are some more examples of my artwork. Enjoy.

The Pats Rule!

2007-01-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

What a great game Sunday! This is why Tom Brady is Joe Montana East.

We did the Bolts, Next are the Colts!

The family

2007-01-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

Here we are at Christmas Eve Mass.

One of my paintings

2007-01-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

My most recent work.

It's called "Sedona Softail."

I will post more art when I can, and will get my art website back up as well.

Cheers.

Hello and Welcome

2007-01-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hi.

This is my first blog. I suppose it's about time I entered the 21st century and created one of these things. I will try to keep it updated, with info, pictures and some of my artwork.

Enjoy.