Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Beautiful Fat People



Do you tend to pig out a bit during the holidays? Maybe you favor the quadruple-stuffed Oreo over the plain ordinary ones. Well, if you are one of the "lucky" few who has the privilege of being featured on BeautifulPeople.com, you just might have gotten your waddling papers. The site which claims to feature only the most aesthetically gifted singles on the Internet makes no apologies for squeezing out the "fatties" who are harmful to their business model. Let me stop here for a minute. I have a friend who was recently told by some soulless corporate douchebag that his business was a "bad business model." If he had said that to me he would have gotten to "bad buis-" before I would have been standing over him, exhorting him to get up, like Muhammad Ali over Sonny Liston. If there is one thing that makes this blogger's blood boil it is when some snotnose whose mummy and daddy paid handsomely for him to get his MBA from University of Phoenix uses terms from that online business class in which he got a "B," terms which he really doesn't understand. My friend, far more of a gentleman than I, patiently explained how he has been quite successful doing what he does for a long time, then enlightened this nimrod about that little thing called the economy, which has been in a toilet spiral for the last few years. Unless your business model is magically making money appear from people's noses, you're going to have a little fall off these days.

What may seem to be a digression actually leads to this simple fact. Running off some of your stable just because there's "more of them to love," then issuing a smug confirmation of this fact is not only bad business, it's business suicide. We all know and love someone who is carrying a few extra LB's. Some of the most important people in my life would be considered to be generously proportioned. Why, some of my readers may be considered "zaftig" in some circles. Robert Hintze, the founder of BeautifulPeople.com, makes no apologies for running off the recently super-sized folks who wasted their precious time joining this less-than-important website. We were all young and thin and good-looking once. Some of us still are. But I have never met a person who was a bad person because he or she was a little Rubenesque. I have, however, met people who were Brad Pitts on the outside and armpits on the inside! Incidentally, how many of you actually look like the photo you put on that dating site?


Fat people make this country go. They drive the buses, like Ralph Kramden. They dine in our restaurants, like Wimpy. They crush quarterbacks, like Albert Haynesworth. They are rabid consumers of every product, an ideal demographic. How do you think they got fat in the first place? All kidding aside, most of us will fight, and lose, the Battle of the Bulge. From the looks at the cheek flesh on his well-fed face, Mr. BeautifulPeople himself may likely find himself someday using a bicycle mirror to read a scale. Hopefully someone in his merry band of pleasant-looking nitwits will remind him that, as said in Proverbs, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting."

It's time for Robert Hintze to do some damage control. Go into a Golden Corral. Hug the first chubby person you see. Realize before it's too late that the last thing we need less of is compassion. Bring back the big beautiful people. They need the Internet to find love too.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Gimme Back My Bullets!

In the intense world of athletic team competition, squabbles among teammates are nothing new. NFL Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin, while at University of Miami, had a vicious brawl with linebacker George Mira, Jr. Some of you are old enough to remember Dallas Cowboys QB Roger Staubach getting coldcocked by backup QB Clint "The Mad Bomber" Longley. Longley, after filling in and playing the game of his life, thought he deserved to be more than the clipboard carrier he ultimately should have remained. The two had fought once before, with Staubach getting the better of Longley. Slugging your team's Hall of Fame QB is not a real swift career move. The Cowboys summarily sent Longley to San Diego and to oblivion.

Well, move over Montagues and Capulets, those minor dustups have nothing on the Washington Wizrds' Gilbert Arenas - Javaris Crittenton feud. These two took the teammate pissing contest to a whole 'nother level, actually drawing down on each other! On Christmas Eve, no less! What's next? Napalm in the shower? A little C-4 in the toothpaste? Why, an errant pass could earn you some anthrax in your talcum powder! Gone are the days of cutting up a guy's suit to get his attention. If a guy is throwing a few too many bricks, you could arrange for a drive-by, with the equipment manager rising up out of a laundry bin blasting away. I suppose at this point it would behoove me to mention that this team used to be called the Washington (formerly Baltimore) Bullets. The team name was changed because it was believed the name glorified gun violence. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy! I say we go back to calling them the Bullets from now on! These two knuckleheads have changed the art of the locker-room beef forever. Don't like the way that fullback blocked on that sweep? Blast the varmint wide open! Reliever blew an easy save? Give him two in the hat. All the hallowed motivation and attitude adjustment techniques of the past are out the window. The prospect of your teammate busting a cap in yo' ass will likely keep you from addressing his shortcomings.

In all fairness, Arenas and Crittenton's beef was allegedly over a gambling debt. I hope this story was blown way out of proportion and they were actually shooting spitballs at each other through straws. Now we've all said, at one time or another, "I bet you a million dollars that..." These guys can actually say it and mean it. I don't know how much money Crittenton makes; Arenas, one of the league's elite, is in the second season of a 6-year, $111 million contract. The Washington Bullets are not a very good basketball team right about now. They are in the crapper and not getting better any time soon. They are a woeful 27th in the league power rankings. Arenas and Crittenton et. al. should confine their shooting to the court. Arenas has been known around the league as a born practical joker, a funny guy. Gilbert, stick to wedgies and itching powder next time you want a laugh. Or do like I do; read "Marmaduke" in your daily paper. Guns, as a rule, are not funny, except for the ones that have flags coming out of them.

Over 30,000 human souls are lost to us each year in the US due to gun violence. There's nothing funny about that.