He's Got a Great First Name, I'll Give Him That...

Props to Tony Gonzalez for being in the right place at the right time to save a man on a dinner date from choking to death in a restaurant. I wish there were more stories like this one and less like the ones we usually see connected to NFL players. And props to the guy he saved for not finding some made-up reason to try to sue Tony.

I like Number 88 as a player, and obviously he's not a bad citizen, either. I'm sure he'll have that all-time receiving yards for Tight Ends in his pocket by the 3rd quarter of his first game in '08. And who's gonna take it from him? Shockey? Don't make me laugh. Antonio Gates? Maybe. Kellen Winslow, Jr? Fuhgeddaboudit! I also like his team's coach, Herman Edwards, whom I remember fondly as a player. The Miracle of the Meadowlands just shows you it ain't over 'til it's over.

Good luck to the Chiefs this season. Except when you play the Patriots...

Bernanke Puts It All Together...

Thank you, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, for finally figuring out that the housing/mortgage crisis that has ruined so many lives is possibly the fault of the dirtball mortgage companies and their questionable array of products designed to put even the steadiest middle class homebuyer's finances into the crapper. Wow, that was a long sentence.

It seems that, since the beginning of this crisis, the borrowers have absorbed the lion's share of the blame, being all shiftless and irresponsible, causing the downfall of these nice, caring loan companies who just want to help people realize the Great American Dream of being house-poor. If those lazy borrowers would just stop losing their jobs and refinance those ARM's in time, everything would have been OK, Old Yeller wouldn't have had to be put down and Jon Benet Ramsey would be Miss Colorado by now.

But the Fed has finally come to the realization that the lenders might not be the shining white knights they have pretended to be. Rather, they have been preying on the desperate to increase their numbers and move product. I'm just a little old artist, Mr. Bernanke, but even I know that a family with a $40,000/ year income can't possibly pay off a $300,000 loan, especially an ARM. It's like the heroin dealer pulling in the addict. It's downright cheap at first, then next thing you're auctioning your baby on a street corner to pay for it.

These lenders have been the first to cry poverty, and the first to get any relief from a Bush-league White House. But that's the typical Republican-tinged response; help the companies, screw and blame the individuals. The greed of the lenders, realtors and speculators got us into this mess, just as it did back in the late 80's/early 90's. There was a Bush in the White Hose then, too. Coincidence or not?....

Bad Newz for Mike Vick

Just saw that the best running quarterback in prison, Michael Vick, has filed for bankruptcy protection. The Don King of dogfighting apparently owes creditors somewhere in the neighborhood of $10 - 50 million dollars. That's some neighborhood, Michael. Most people, especially in cities out West, would say they live near an intersection, such as "Scottsdale Road and Shea."In Vick speak, that would be like saying you live near Nebraska and Iowa.

Now I know that in the Big House, guys have matters a bit more pressing than balancing their checkbooks. What with cons wanting you to join their "professional groups" and having to shower with your back to the wall, the contents of a bank account would seem like small stuff. I even cop to having trouble keeping mine straight, and I'm just a prisoner of my own celebrity. But I have never had to guesstimate my debt within $40 mil. Check with your friends and family members, Mike. I think someone is writing checks and charging things to your account that they shouldn't. You'd better stay in shape for football, because the good newz is, when you get out, someone will offer you between $10 and 50 million to play football again. And if you get that chance again, PLEASE don't screw it up. Based on Marcus's act, you still stand a chance of being the son of whom Mama Vick can be proudest.

Heigl!

I would pay big, big money just to hear Jerry Lewis say "Katherine Heigl!"

Here's a picture of her, because, well, why the hell not? And I suspect if we were confronted with this image of her, we would all talk like Jerry Lewis.

Another Theory As To Hitler's Last Moments in That Bunker

(click on the title to see the actual, non-funny story)

How did they not see it coming...

As though Madame Tussaud's, that enduring monument to all things wax and creepy, would open in Berlin and not have a display featuring Schickelgruber himself! By the way, Hitler and the Holocaust are not real proud moments in Germany's history. They have laws prohibiting the display of Nazi regalia and other things Hitler, including that silly moustache. So they're trying to put that ugliness behind them. Besides they have so much more to be proud of: they also brought us Beck's Beer and Werner "Colonel Klink" Klemperer. Well, it took all of about a few minutes from when the door was open to the "museum" for a 41 year-old man to push his way past two security guards (made of wax, possibly?) and attack Der Füehrer, taking off his head in the process. The man was quickly subdued by non-wax police.