Monday, June 30, 2008

We're Here, We're Queer and We're Registered at Nordstrom!

In light of the recent legislation permitting gay marriage in California (aren't you surprised they didn't already have gay marriage?) an old fraternity brother friend of mine mentioned a possible increase in nuptial gigs for the Village People. I'm sure more straight people would probably rather have them at their weddings. Congrats to the new married gay couples in CA. Now you'll know the pleasure of being legally bound to someone who will ask you what you're doing in the bathroom for so long, will nag you about getting in shape (yet will mope about you having to leave to go to the gym), and who will give you crap about not having the sack to march into your boss's office and ask for a raise. Have fun with that.

Speaking of the Village People:

I imagine the Indian guy in the Village People is wearing a Depends loincloth, the Cowboy probably wears support chaps, the Army and Navy guys were long since booted out of the Armed Forces (we didn't ask, and they didn't have to tell), the Construction Worker keeps his false teeth and pills in his tool belt, The Biker probably rides for blocks with his right blinker on and the Cop can't get his baton up.

Mazeltov, all you crazy couples! Now you'll know the pleasure of being with someone you will never be good enough for!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Top Of The World, MA!

Congratulations to the World Champion Boston Celtics. What a run the Boston area is having sportswise! The Red Sox are Baseball champs, and the Pats nearly won the Super Bowl to cap what would have been a perfect season (and would have sent those 1972 Miami Dolphins looking for the nearest shower rod). The Boston College Eagles had great football and basketball seasons, and the BC Hockey team is the reigning college hockey champ. And now the Celtics have returned to prominence by becoming NBA champs for the 17th time! And they did it in such stylish fashion, with an old-fashioned back-alley ass kicking of the El Lay Lakers. I haven't seen someone become someone's bitch this bad since they put Tobias Beecher in with Vernon Schillinger in Oz. Congrats to Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge ( I always hated him as a player) and Brian Scalabrine, the team white guy. And PLEASE, never, NEVER put a microphone in front of Kevin Garnett again. I went running for my shtreet to English dictionary during his expletive-laden joyous diatribe. And you guys know you're on TV, so stop all the swearing. I grew up as street as most of you and I have never spoken like that in general population (unless I smashed my finger with a hammer), so don't try to say that's the way people from the ghetto talk.

Congratulations Boston, on your sporting successes. I'd move back to Beantown and leave again if it will help the cause. Enjoy your parade. I know you're going to get your drunk on, but leave the rioting to Detroit. And LA.

Can't we all just get along?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Doo Wah Diddy Daddy Dum Puffy Doo

Grab your comically flat-brimmed baseball caps, ladies and germs! Puff Daddy is back! Sean "Puffy" Combs has decided to go back to that oh-so-seven years ago moniker that helped launch him to fame. The artist formerly known as Diddy has apparently made a guest appearance on his MySpace to announce the return of the original PD.

Let's see... He's gone from being Sean "Puffy" Combs to Puff Daddy to P. Diddy to Diddy back to Puff Daddy. I thought for sure he could have wrung a few more cool hip-hop names out of his previous incarnations. I had money on him changing his name to Piddy, waiting for that double bill of Piddy and Fiddy. Maybe Puddy. High Five! What about Paddy? Or Duffy? He could be huge in Ireland! What about Dick Cheney? How about Daffy? I don't think the duck is using that one anymore! What about Stiffy? Never mind...

Dude, stop changing your name. Just ask Prince, or should I call him "That Weird Phallic Zodiac Symbol He Used to Want to Be Referred to As? It makes things real confusing at the bank, a place where I'm sure, they all know his name.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What does a brother have to do to get impeached up in here?

So it turns out that the Bush administration may have fudged the facts a weeeee bit in regards to Iraq's role in the war on terrorism. The Senate Intelligence Committee (I've never seen those words used together in the same sentence) has just figured this out. Incredible that it took these qualified geniuses this long to figure out what most of us have known all along. Dubya has used the Sept. 11 incident as an excuse to exercise a personal vendetta, and he misappropriated Government funds to do it. And they say that what Bill Clinton is accused of doing is an impeachable offense!

He essentially had the US Armed Forces do a contract hit. I hope he doesn't refer to the soldiers who have died or been injured, or the innocent citizens of Iraq as witnesses who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now it's no secret this country is run like La Cosa Nostra. Congressmen pass laws for companies who can pay them (through lobbyists) to do it. Bills are written, with provisions for this senator or that congressman. Votes being bought by the drug & gun lobbies. How is this different from some Mafioso putting the arm on a legitimate businessman? God forbid if one of us puts a note in someone's mailbox. We could be brought up on charges! But using the country's military might and misspending billions of dollars to settle the hash of a guy who dissed your daddy would buy any of us some time in the Stony Lonesome if we weren't the Chief Executive and his capos regime.

This country is basically run on what we would call, in organized crime circles, protection. The insurance companies charge us outrageous amounts of money "just in case something happens." They get pukingly rich, then turn away customers like those of Hurricane Katrina when they need that "protection" they've been paying for. Family medical coverage is out of reach for many. This country is on its way to being the Chinese & the EU's bitch, and it has happened on the watch of who has to be the WORST President ever.

Gas has DOUBLED in the last 2 1/2 years! This mamaluc's solution is to get behind alternative sources like Ethanol (which he or his rich golf buddies would have to be making money off).

I'm going to solve all our problems for you, Mr. President.

1 - Have the balls to admit you screwed up in Iraq, and bring the soldiers home to a hero's welcome. Pay for those young men and women to go to college and get homes, and the psychiatric help they will most certainly need. The factions that hate us so much would have reason to back the hell off. If you really want to get Bin Laden, send Whitey Bulger after his ass. That's one guy who could make that little problem go away.

2 - You like giving tax incentives to your rich buddies? Give them to the ones who at least try to do their businesses here in the good old USA, rather than the ones who outsource their crap to India, etc. Make it somewhat profitable for them. If you need a cheap place to make all of your "Made in America" crap, do it in Mexico. There is a HUGE work force of eager, honest people, who would LOVE to have those jobs and the training. People talk about the legendary corruption in Mexico's Government; frankly, they scare me a whole lot less than China.

By the way, it would go a long way toward helping the illegal immigration issue as well, and give la gente something else to do other than being peons and drug mules, and a legitimate economy.

3. You've bent over and allowed gas to cost us over $4.00 a gallon. Now do something constructive. Give your rich CEO buddies tax incentives for allowing their employees, where able, to work from home. Incentives. That's a language they understand. Not only would employees feel more empowered, the businesses' overhead would be lower, there'd be less pissed-off people on the road ready to shoot each other. The employees would have more moolah in their pockets instead of their tanks, so they'd be happy; the economy would get such a stimulation from folks having more disposable bank that it would need a cigarette after a while. If you're going to encourage alternative methods of energy, encourage wind and solar, encourage and assist farmers to grow and sell product, rather than paying them not to grow stuff.

4. Figure out a way to get medical care for EVERYONE! Put your best experts on that, instead of figuring out how to use executive privilege to tap people's phones.

5. Come correct and admit we are in a DEPRESSION! You've let banks and credit card companies bone us until we can't sit down. Now do something for the foreclosed-on. The economic stimulus was a step in the right direction. A barely perceptible step. A slight hand movement, really. Stop blaming the victims. Blame your CEO buddies, whose pockets bulge with money while their companies hemorrhage it.

There's more, but I'm afraid of getting carpal tunnel, and not having enough health coverage to deal with it.