Sunday, January 3, 2010

Gimme Back My Bullets!

In the intense world of athletic team competition, squabbles among teammates are nothing new. NFL Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin, while at University of Miami, had a vicious brawl with linebacker George Mira, Jr. Some of you are old enough to remember Dallas Cowboys QB Roger Staubach getting coldcocked by backup QB Clint "The Mad Bomber" Longley. Longley, after filling in and playing the game of his life, thought he deserved to be more than the clipboard carrier he ultimately should have remained. The two had fought once before, with Staubach getting the better of Longley. Slugging your team's Hall of Fame QB is not a real swift career move. The Cowboys summarily sent Longley to San Diego and to oblivion.

Well, move over Montagues and Capulets, those minor dustups have nothing on the Washington Wizrds' Gilbert Arenas - Javaris Crittenton feud. These two took the teammate pissing contest to a whole 'nother level, actually drawing down on each other! On Christmas Eve, no less! What's next? Napalm in the shower? A little C-4 in the toothpaste? Why, an errant pass could earn you some anthrax in your talcum powder! Gone are the days of cutting up a guy's suit to get his attention. If a guy is throwing a few too many bricks, you could arrange for a drive-by, with the equipment manager rising up out of a laundry bin blasting away. I suppose at this point it would behoove me to mention that this team used to be called the Washington (formerly Baltimore) Bullets. The team name was changed because it was believed the name glorified gun violence. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy! I say we go back to calling them the Bullets from now on! These two knuckleheads have changed the art of the locker-room beef forever. Don't like the way that fullback blocked on that sweep? Blast the varmint wide open! Reliever blew an easy save? Give him two in the hat. All the hallowed motivation and attitude adjustment techniques of the past are out the window. The prospect of your teammate busting a cap in yo' ass will likely keep you from addressing his shortcomings.

In all fairness, Arenas and Crittenton's beef was allegedly over a gambling debt. I hope this story was blown way out of proportion and they were actually shooting spitballs at each other through straws. Now we've all said, at one time or another, "I bet you a million dollars that..." These guys can actually say it and mean it. I don't know how much money Crittenton makes; Arenas, one of the league's elite, is in the second season of a 6-year, $111 million contract. The Washington Bullets are not a very good basketball team right about now. They are in the crapper and not getting better any time soon. They are a woeful 27th in the league power rankings. Arenas and Crittenton et. al. should confine their shooting to the court. Arenas has been known around the league as a born practical joker, a funny guy. Gilbert, stick to wedgies and itching powder next time you want a laugh. Or do like I do; read "Marmaduke" in your daily paper. Guns, as a rule, are not funny, except for the ones that have flags coming out of them.

Over 30,000 human souls are lost to us each year in the US due to gun violence. There's nothing funny about that.

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