Friday, December 25, 2009

This is a Ho-Ho-Holdup!


Merry Christmas all-

You know times are tough out there when Santa Claus has to resort to bank robbery! The Sun Trust Bank on Old Hickory Boulevard in Nashville was knocked over by a 9mm-toting white-bearded gent wearing the requisite red suit and hat. Before they were able to say "jingle bells" this bad Santa rolled up on the teller window, threatening that if they put dye packs in the sack he would "come back and kill everyone." Why, he wasn't nearly as jolly as advertised. No wonder those elves produce toys at the North Pole with such great speed and efficiency; no one wants to piss off ol' St. Nick! He escaped in a grey Nissan Altima, possibly pulled by eight flying reindeer. He remains at large, though witnesses have sighted him at shopping malls and in front of supermarkets, ringing bells, hiding in plain sight.

Note to Nashville PD: If you can lay out for a trip to the North Pole, this may be the best time to nab Santa at his own crib. After the night he's probably had, he's probably gonna sleep for a week! But be careful- he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake.

If you like creepy, skeevy Santas like some of those you've seen at various malls all over the country, then sketchysantas.com is the site for you.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What did I miss?


Dear Blog Is Not A Pretty Word Subscribers-

It has been a year and 5 months since my last "confession." I can't believe I haven't been moved to write about anything in that amount of time. To that end I'm freeing my blog from the glacier it's been in.

Hey Blog- first of all, a lot has gone down since you went into the witless protection program. We've elected our first African-American President. Childhood was celebrated with freak shows like Jon and Kate plus 8 and the Octomom. I would explain what those terms mean but at this point, who the Hell cares? Are you sitting down? Remember the Arizona Cardinals? They are the reigning NFC Champs, who came within 2:35 of winning the Super Bowl. That's right, the same Arizona Cardinals who always sucked so mightily all those years. Oh, and the Detroit Lions have won a couple games since you went underground. You missed their epic 0-16 season. Never before has losing been done so artfully.

Remember how tough it was to find Michael Jackson tickets? Well, as of June 25 this year, his tickets became impossible to get. He and his end-stage nose have joined the Heavenly Choir. But don't worry, you can keep up on what Tito, Marlon and Rebbie are doing by watching the Jacksons reality show on A & E. Not quite the same as the guy who gave 1500 Filipino prisoners something fun to do in the exercise yard.

You'll be glad I talked you out of investing the family hundreds with that nice Mr. Madoff. As it turns out, he's one of the Five People You'll Meet in Hell.

And speaking of screwing people, I know how you have enjoyed watching Tiger Woods demolish the competition. Well, he's doing a different thing for a while, largely because of what he was doing while he wasn't swinging the sticks.

Welcome back. Consider this my Act of Contrition.