Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Wanted: Space Plumbers

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080527/ap_on_sc/space_toilet

Clogged toilets in zero gravity... just TRY to get that out of your mind! Burrito night has been RUINED!

It will be a little tough to pull that sucker over to go by the side of the road.

Now I don't know about you, but who builds an International space station and doesn't at least put in 1 1/2 baths?

Thanks for Nothing, Zeke Mowatt!

As far as I'm concerned, the Boston Herald and their unique brand of "reporting" cost the Patriots their perfect season! I'm sure the portion of Belichick's evil mind that would have dealt with Justin Tuck was the same portion that was pissed off at the Herald costing him all that money. The people of Boston should put down their crullers and their Dunkin Donuts Regular Coffees and storm the Herald's offices with pitchforks and torches!

Maybe this whole thing was a getback for the Lisa Olson incident!

Did Bobby Jindal Make the Smores?

This Memorial Day weekend, John McCain invited a bunch of his Republican bootlickers to his "Ranch in Sedona" (actually his pretend ranch in Cornville, but that doesn't sound as sexy or rich as Sedona). One can only wonder how much fun he and the girls had, braiding each other's hair, watching music videos, painting each other's nails. Do you think Mitt Romney regaled them with a version of "Freddy My Love" from "Grease?"

Meg Whitman, the eBay hosebag, was one of the guests. One can only wonder, did she do like a proper Republican woman and stay in the kitchen, out of McCain's man-cave? Actually she's a Vice Presidential possible. It all makes sense. My wife is a big fan of "Ellen." When Ellen DeGeneres had McCain on her show, he mentioned (with a straight face) how eBay is an example of a successful company, how people are making millions with it. Now I don't know about you, but I don't want a President who is going to tell me things my email junk filter won't even let me read! And did Bobby Jindal start hitting on her once he got the beer goggles on?

I can't wait for the feces to finally hit the rotary cooling device with this guy... from his doddering appearance on Saturday Night Live (is there a more tired show than SNL? An appearance on that means absolutely nothing anymore. Hell, half of New York has been in the cast!) to his shady land deals, a McCain Presidency would be a disaster... we'd be longing for the good old days when Dubya would mangle the Constitution and the act of public speaking at the same time. Much like the people of Iraq longing for the good old days when Saddam would hook their genitals up to a car battery and they'd all have a good laugh afterwards.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Don't wrap fish in the Herald - it will spoil the fish!

Maybe now Arlen Specter can concentrate on what he does best, being a smug, pompous blowhard, now that he has fixed all that was wrong with sports.

The Pats didn't videotape the Rams' offensive walkthroughs, as it turned out.

So the Boston Herald got the story wrong and had to apologize for their reporting of what had to be the non-story of the year.

And with all due respect, videotaping the Rams' offense during their walkthroughs would be akin to getting marriage advice from Gary Coleman. I find the whole thing about videotaping the Jets' defense also extremely suspect. Like asking Jerry Lewis to give you lessons in the art of subtle comedy.

Now if they could only apologize for being such a crappy paper, the Fox News of print journalism. The public is waiting, Rupert Murdoch. You are to journalism what Olive Oyl is to sexy, curvy women.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mazeltov, you crazy kids!

So our eedjit President got Jenna married off this weekend. Congratulations. Perhaps I should get her and her hubby Henry (I wonder what his rich preppy nickname is. Biff? tad? Skip?) a gift. Maybe I should get it with the proceeds of my Economic Stimulus check, when it comes. Maybe a blender? Oven mitts? A Chia-Head? A membership in the cheese-of-the-month club? Buying a gift seems so tacky. Besides, spending foolishly like that, that is just what Daddy Dubya WANTS me to do. Nope. I'm gonna use that check to pay off bills (the other gift from G-Dub, the one that keeps on giving). Sorry, economy. I just don't feel like stimulating you today. You're going to have to reach into that drawer by the nightstand and stimulate yourself tonight.

Maybe I'll make her a nice picture. Maybe it will be a painting of me being told that I no longer have a job. Perhaps a lovely drawing of a home with some lovely trees and for sale signs. Maybe a lovely gas station painting, with $4.00 gas signs (another gift of our wonderful President! That is one generous guy!).

Screw it. I will just re-gift her.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Maybe if you get those birds out of the way...

Imagine my disappointment...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm

Needless to say, I was expecting something different.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Shiny Happy Conservatives

The Pew foundation has released an exhaustive research study (I heard they actually had to put seven researchers down) which has determined that Conservatives are happier than Liberals.

It seems the Conservatives are happier, regardless of their economic or religious status, because they are able to rationalize life's inequalities easier than liberals, who apparently tend to brood about the unfairness of it all. I must confess, I find myself doing this all the time. A conservative is more likely to say "This country would be better off if we worried less about how equal people are" than a liberal. Of course they might also say "I don't see what the fuss is about people not having enough to eat. I've got plenty of food!" Or, "those people who want universal health care just don't understand! I prefer a system in which family coverage costs $900 a month ( and they always bring up how they don't want their tax dollars paying for this and that)." Or, "if those people want to avoid having their home foreclosed on, they should pay their mortgage."

In short, get a grip, Liberals. Not getting it is crucial to all of our survival.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080507/sc_livescience/conservativeshappierthanliberals;_ylt=AjoA7Ko_1IyrZHk9cszy2o2s0NUE

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Why you should never say "just write in whatever amount you think is fair"


So, some slack jawed Cletus tried to cash a $360 billion check in Fort Worth, TX, and got popped for it. Charles Ray Fuller's girlfriend's Mom gave him a check "to start a record business." He must be a little unfamiliar with the cost of most startups. If he was starting another United States, he would be in good shape. But he probably only needed about $100 billion to start his version of Death Row records. Even with that paltry amount he could still "make it rain" every day for a few decades.

Along with forgery (girlfriend's Mom actually did not give him permission to use her account), Mr. Fuller was also arrested for having a small handgun and 2 ounces of the hippie lettuce on his person. I'm guessing he had 3 ounces before he went to the bank. They brought him down to the station and they all had a good laugh during the body cavity search.


Besides, he would have had to wait for his girl's Mom's $400 billion check to clear first.

Where's Ronaldo? or, Gender-bend It Unlike Beckham


He's in hiding, in a little bit of trouble for consorting with prostitutes (not illegal in Brazil). It seems the 2-time World Cup winner got a little surprise when he took a couple working girls to a motel (call girls go to hotels, hookers go to motels, apparently). When he found out these two ladies had a little something extra under the hood, he had second thoughts about becoming intimate with them. They naturally got upset, vandalized his car and went down to the streets to shout that “the Phenomenon didn’t want to pay.” He tried to settle with the male females for $600, but they decided they'd rather have $30,000 to keep it out of the papers. They're trying to maximize their earnings, having seen an opportunity. It's capitalism at its finest. That's just like what the oil and gas industry does to us on a daily basis, just without the promise of freaky trannie sex.

Needless to say, Ronaldo didn't put it in the net that night.

There's something about knee surgery that clouds athletes' judgement. Just ask Kobe Bryant. Ronaldo is recovering from knee surgery and will continue to rehab at home. Where he probably should have stayed instead of being out trying to get his shwerve on.